I have just started taking spinning classes the past few months, so naturally I consider myself an expert on cycling. And all I can tell you is it’s hard! You leave the class feeling woozy, achy and light headed. Ten minutes into the class I inevitably look at the clock thinking a half-hour has passed, but it’s only 10 fucking minutes! Some people, whom I don’t believe, say they experience some sort of high when endorphins kick in, but I’m sure it’s their Adderall finally kicking in when they got their asses moving. So for me I can completely understand why Lance Armstrong doped and transfused blood. After spinning class I want a vodka soda and a transfusion of ho ho’s. Once the class is over I have a huge appetite (ugh, my body is completely working against me). You need some chemical to balance you out.
Most spin classes are an hour long, but luckily I found the one at my gym that is 45 minutes filled with gay music. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight or bi today when One Directions’ Live While We’re Young came on and we all sang: ‘Lets go crazy, crazy crazy till we see the sun… oh oh oh..and live while we’re young.’ The Gym lookie-loos mockingly stared through the window scowling at a bunch of 30 and 40-somethings drenched in sweat singing teeny-bopper porn. In my head I’m thinking: ‘Listen bitches there is a reason the windows are tinted, the lights are off and the music is blasting-so we can’t be seen or heard–so get your fat ass back on the treadmill and continue your .05 mile per hour “speed” walk.” Normally I’m a nice person, but spinning/cycling brings out in the worse in people. So one can see why Lance Armstrong comes off like a douche.
Like Lance I noticed some of the Spin instructors aren’t in the greatest shape–either they’re a bit overweight or have the Lance look: skin and bones. Lance is probably the only guy who looked better with cancer, at least it filled him out a little.
Why do I keep taking this class? I don’t know. I went to the doctor for my annual check up and I weighed 4 pounds more! Cycling/spinning really fucks with your head and I’m only doing it for 45 minutes once a week. Imagine biking 21 days through France snacking on Veuve and brie for 7 consecutive years–you might dope too. As a spinning/cycling “enthusiast” I bet everyone in that idiotic race doped. I also bet every official knew and encouraged it. You know why? Because after Lance, does anyone know who the fuck won the Tour de France? Lance made money for that sport–he doesn’t owe anyone a dime.