They’re back—plus one. The producers try to break up the sausage-fest on A-List by introducing Nyasha Zimucha, a former Miss Africa USA, an aspiring pop artist and the owner of a “highly successful” on-line wig company. Nyasha is a constant braggart from her incessant talks about her multiple assistants to her look-at-me-I’m-so-rich outfits, consisting of Louboutin hooker boots (probably picked up at Payless by one of her assistants who painted the soles red), and a Louis Vuitton purse (most likely procured from a shady street vendor on Canal and Broadway.)
Nyasha is not a lesbian, not a fag hag, never experimented with gay sex, never had a three way and doesn’t know a single cast member.
Why is Nyasha on the show? There are three theories: A) she found the only straight guy at True Entertainment (the producers of A-List) and blew him, B) she is shamelessly pandering to a tone-deaf gay audience to sell her crappy pop music, C) she is using the A-List as a stepping-stone to Celebrity Rehab for being constantly on one of her “woman days,” or D) all of the above. I’ll go with D.
Apparently Nyasha has studied her crazy black women reality stars. Her faux persona seems to be a cross between reality greats: Nene Leakes from the Real Housewives of Atlanta and Omarosa from The Apprentice. But she woefully falls short of coming anywhere near those reality star icons. Nene has a big mouth and says it like she means, but deep down you get a sense she is a good person. Omarosa, on the other hand, comes off as a cold-hearted manipulative bitch who you just love to kinda hate, but really deep down love. Watching both of these women, you get the sense that this is somewhat how they are in real life, unlike Nyasha who comes off as very disingenuous.
In the most contrived scene of the night, Mike Ruiz’s “after party” for his t-shirt launch, all the cast members show up except for the guest of honor Mike Ruiz. Clearly it was a rue to get a fighting scene for the first episode of the new season. And clearly the most accomplished cast member, Mike Ruiz, told the producers he didn’t want to participate in such degrading shenanigans. Although in my interview with Mike Ruiz he claims it is his “good energy” that keeps him away from all the fight scenes. Yea right!
Fortunately the rest of the celebutantes have very bad energy because they came ready to rumble. Even spineless Derek, who famously trashes everyone behind his or her back, came prepared to fight. Rodiney made an off-handed comment about Derek’s mom causing Derek to get so upset that his rat poisoned forehead almost moved. But it was such a lame fight that the producers focused on last year’s archenemies Austin and Rodiney who argued about the same old stuff: Rodiney is a “user” and Austin is “jealous”–yawn.
Like an irritating mosquito, Nyasha has to inject herself into the argument as some type of referee for people she just literarily met. Who does that? The answer: a publicity-seeking self-absorbed megalomaniac. In the heat of the battle, Austin swats Rodiney’s arm that in a chain reaction brushes Nyasha’s arm. For no reason (except to get camera time), Nyasha goes ballistic accusing Austin of hitting her. Nyasha’s rant on Austin was clearly trying to provoke Austin into making some sort of physical contact with her. Of course Austin doesn’t take the bait—think what you will about Austin but he is not going to hit a lady or Nyasha. Before she is escorted out of the bar for being unable to contain herself, Nyasha threatens she is “gonna dick” Austin if he ever touches her again. What kind of threat is that? You’re talking to Austin–strap one on, wear your fake Louboutin’s and “dick” him all night long–he’ll enjoy it.
Enough with the chick chat. Let see what the boys have been up to all summer.
We all saw this coming: Reichen broke up with Rodiney. Before Rodiney left, Reichen melodramatically tells him he “still wanted him in his life,” which is Reichen speak for “we can still do the nasty, but I’m glad you’re not on my dime any more.”
No one was surprised that after Rodiney milked Reichen for every possible connection he could, including an introduction to his famous celebrity ex-boyfriend Lance Bass, it would be splitsville. As any good opportunist would do, Rodiney was spotted around town cozying up to his wannabe BFF/sugar daddy Lance Bass. But I think Lance Bass learned his lesson about opportunists as he did date Reichen after all.
Reichen also makes his diminutive disclosure to his besties Mike Ruiz and Ryan that he was caught beating off online. Naturally Reichen is devastated that his online provocateur “sold” his pics of his junior johnson. In my opinion, the whole Weinergate was orchestrated by Reichen to show his jewel was more impressive than Austin insinuated last season. Reichen had no choice, since no one believes that they just kissed when the two first met, including a close friend of both who admitted Austin told him he did sleep with Reichen when they first met.
Ultra pious Mike and Ryan were flabbergasted at the news and couldn’t relate to such horrid proclivities, but that might be because the web cam wasn’t around when they were still sexually vital. Otherwise, their tiny tally whackers would have been all over the World Wide Web.
Ryan is clearly regretting introducing us to his BF/lap boy TJ to the A-List. TJ turned out to be a scene-stealer and fan favorite. The fame has gone directly to TJ’s head resulting in TJ no longer being good enough to be Ryan’s assistant. The issue has put a terrible strain on TJ and Ryan’s friendship. How sad! Surely, Ryan learned a valuable lesson from this and won’t be introducing any future assistants to the A-list stratosphere–good help is so hard to find.
The biggest shocker of the first episode is that Derek finally has a boyfriend. We learned in season one Derek was a born again virgin after being sexless for more than eight months. Derek also admitted last season he wanted to find a rich older gentleman to love and, most importantly, support his fabulous lifestyle. Unable to find an elderly rich man, Derek created a relationship in his head with a Latin guy who worked in retail. The fantasy beau stood up Derek when he planned a meet-and-greet with his mother only after knowing him a few weeks.
I have a sneaky suspicion this new boyfriend might be a figment of his imagination too. Derek flippantly mentions him to his BFF Austin and quickly changed the subject to something completely ludicrous: he “quit his job” to launch a line of self-tanners called Tansxl. Really? For you newbies “quit his job” is A-list lexicon for getting fired. And if Derek were playing hide the salami with some old fart showering him in lavish gifts he wouldn’t shut up about it for two seconds.
In my investigative reporting at The A-List primer party, I tried to track down Derek’s new boyfriend. I asked Rodiney, a Logo PR rep and a publicist but none of them even knew Derek had a boyfriend. Obviously they don’t watch the show–who can blame them?
More damming evidence came this week when Derek tweeted “Thank u everyone for ur birthday love yesterday! Was an amazing 28th birthday besides the fact that I didn’t get laid.” Hmmm, most boyfriends at least put out on your birthday.
I’m sensing a pattern here; it looks like Derek has another fantasy man. I saw Derek at the A-List premier looking a bit more buff and was freshly sprayed, so I’m not sure why he can’t find some rich old geezer to bang him. But we are still in a recession after all—the crop is limited.
Mike Ruiz introduced us to his boyfriend/manager who have been together a year and a half. Mike Ruiz is A-List lexicon for boring.
Finally, Austin, our plus size A-Lister, finally lands a “major” magazine cover: Playgirl. Playgirl is rolling out all the stops too. It’s a special doublewide issue with a four-page foldout to accommodate Austin’s big-boned frame shot with a special extra wide-angle lens. The first digital photos will be released on the ultra exclusive social media site Google++. For you boys who plan to download these photos to your mobile devices, prepare to update your data plans to handle the enormous file size. In stark contrast, downloading Reichen’s naked webcam shots will result in no additional charges due to the photo’s minuscule size—it’s really just a few bytes at most.
In the sophomore season of the A-List the boys did a pretty good job—let me emphasize THE BOYS. I’m all for freshening up the cast with a woman, but adding someone who has no connection to the boys is ridiculous. There are five gays guys on the show, but not one of them knows a hot mess of a fag hag to stir up some trouble. We know the A-List is a recycled Real Housewives show, but trying to recreate the greatness of Nene with this hack isn’t going to work.