I Hate Lady Gaga

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Not really, but felt a little left out of the ‘lets trash Artpop movement.’ I’m kind of boarding on being a prehistoric monster–a Gaga fan that’s a bit too old to be fraternizing with little monsters. Case and Point: I received an invitation to be a beta tester for littlemonsters.com. Clearly I’m a “special” fan so I signed up immediately to gush over Gaga with fellow monsters. However the experience quickly turned into an episode of Datelines’ To Catch a Predator. Check out this exchange with a little monster:

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Don’t call The Poh-lice, don’t call the Guv-ah-Nah because I shut that right down. Embarrassingly, I shaved off a few years from my age, but clearly it didn’t deter this 16 year-old little monster. At my fake age I’m still old enough to be his father! I think If I spend anymore time on littlemoster.com I will be forced to join neighborhood-sex-offenders.com. Thanks a lot Gaga!

Regardless I can’t be an objective critic of Artpop, because I’m a huge fan. However I’m shocked at the broad spectrum of haters–everyone from bloggers to co-collaborators.

The examinar.com claims the Interscope doled out $25 million to promote the album and its weeks sales will result in at least a lay off of 50 employees. Also, the site claims little monsters offered sexual favors if you purchased 30 copies of Artpop. That transaction will set you back $450–the little monster better be a hottie and of legal age. Those little monsters are one horny bunch–I think you could negotiate the little monster down to 2 copies if you’re halfway decent looking.

Finally, an industry exec told examiner.com that Gaga will tone down her act, “She now realizes her bizarre act is overshadowing her music.” I guess that will start after SNL when she randomly had some guy in purple pants gyrate around for no particular reason except maybe for the pleasure of her guitarist who couldn’t take his eyes off him.

Kevin Fallon from the Daily Beast seems to criticize Lady Gaga for not going far enough in pursuit of art and pop. Instead he says, “the album succumbs to them, masking kernels of at least a half dozen stellar pop songs in the overworked pompousness and titillation of what Lady Gaga considers ‘art.'”

Keep in mind Mr. Fallon did back flips over Katy Perry’s new album saying, “Prism is an elixir of empowerment that roars. It also sounds an awful lot like Teenage Dream. Not that we’re complaining.” Basically its ok with him if Katy Perry recycled her last album, but when Gaga tries to break new ground he trashes it–what gives!

Katy Perry is like vanilla ice cream–I like to eat it, but sometimes I want something different. Lady Gaga is like a Goat Cheese Cashew Caramel ice cream from Black Dog Gelato–it might sound a little funky but once you try it a few times you find out its really delicious. Mr. Fallon needs to try licking some new snatch–he might find out its pretty tasty too.

The harshest criticism came from none other than the co-collaborator Infected Mushroom for their work on “Aura.” The group in an interview claims to have maintained high integrity by avoiding working with such acts like Britney and Gaga. (Does anyone really think Britney asked to work with Infected Mushroom?) But they were “graciously” willing to sell a melody to Gaga if she didn’t credit Infected Mushroom on the track. However, Lady Gaga refused to buy the melody if she couldn’t credit Infected Mushroom. (Because we all know once people hear Infected Mushroom is attached to the song its going to blow up.) Infected Mushroom finally relented because as they say, “each time the song is being played or sold, we get some pretty nice royalties.” (Way to stay strong for integrity guys.)

What did Infected Mushroom think of the final cut: “The song is too cheesy and commercialized. The way her vocals are over the melody is bad.”

Infected Mushroom must be quite some lyricists to through that kind of shade. I checked out one of their songs on Spotify called “U R So Fucked,” it has those words in it plus three more. Great job boys you can up with seven fucking words for an entire song! I never heard of Infected Mushroom however the beats are pretty cool–I’m not gonna hate. But do you guys have to be such big douchbags?

I kind of thinking all this negative press is a hoax to drive sales–the album is good. Originally, I wasn’t going to buy a CD–bad monster. I pay $10 a month for Spotify giving me access to Artpop on all my devices. But the news of doom and gloom caused me to hop over to Amazon.com and purchase my foil addition of Artpop like a good little monster. The pop world needs a Lady Gaga–It’s time the world gets down with that.

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2 thoughts on “I Hate Lady Gaga

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