Lochte, who seems to be floating around in a continuous 420 haze, would seem a likely candidate to be the most drunken Olympian. But the gold medal goes to Belgian cyclist Gil van Hoecke.

Belgium was so appalled by van Hoecke’s behavior he was sent home. Our culture is so different in the U.S. If van Hoecke were an American, he would have been given his own reality show and be fucking a Kardashian by now. Lochte’s partying performance was so bad he would be lucky to nail Paris Hilton–a true let down to his country. Better luck in Rio 2016!

Let’s be honest Lochte’s inebriated performance is worth a bronze at best:

Is it any wonder after the competition is over these athletes like to party? After all, these kids have been tortured since their prepubescence to play in sports with no commercial value, and to compete in an event that occurs every four years. And you’re surprised they want to knock a few back after competition is over? The training is so rigorous in China the athletes water-board each other for fun.

Chinese children are separated from their families as young as four years old, enter ~~internment~~ training camps and are not even told of family members’ passing. I mean how many times can you tell a kid grandma is sleeping before they catch on?

Haters will be haters. Joan Crawford (whose parenting skills were depicted in Mommy Dearest) always admired the Chinese for the discipline they instilled in their children. Dick Cheney also admires the Chinese training technique–it gives him new ideas for interrogation methods.

You be the judge: