Tag Archives: Tom Daley

Old People’s Response to Tom Daley’s New Boyfriend: F*ck I Have a Chance

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Tom Daley’s real boyfriend has been revealed it’s 39 year-old Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black. It’s still unconfirmed, however NAMBLA (North America Man Boy Love Association) is heralding the news as a triumph.  Middle-aged men around the world are hanging Teen Beat pictures of Tom with drawn hearts to their bedroom wall. Later today a bunch of 30-40 years-old dudes will be at the mall trampling over 13 year-old girls to get Tom’s 2014 calendar. It’s crazy!

Of course it’s completely inappropriate for a 19 year-old to date a 39 year-old, but this is TOM DALEY! So if I was Dustin Lance Black I would say ‘fuck you all!’ Sorry the post is so short today, but I have to meet some buddies at the mall.

Tom Daley is Gay: The Boyfriend Revealed?

 

Tom Daley GayHe’s Gay. After repeatedly denying it Tom Daley comes out. Most Americans just thought he was VERY European. But several other people who claim to have the super power Gaydar are saying, ‘I knew it all along.’ Well they also knew the Pope was Catholic and the sun would rise in the East–give it a rest!!! We all knew it.

Now the next big reveal is who’s the boyfriend–Tumbler is on-fire with speculation the leading candidate is this guy: Continue reading

Tom Daley Is Not Only A National Treasure He’s A National Resource!

Britain is serious about energy independence. It looks like British Gas bought the rights to drill Tom’s ass. I can imagine many of Tom’s fans would enjoy fracking his butt for all the resources it offers, but only one lucky company has the right to tap that ass.  Continue reading

Tom Daley: From Olympian to Stripper?

I need a new Olympic obsession since Ryan Lochte is so last year. Now I have my sights set on Britain’s cutest national treasure Tom Daley. It might seem odd but at age 18, he has  an autobiography about himself and a BBC documentary–the British must be starved for good Olympians. They’re so desperate for a great Olympian that if Michael Phelps was British, Queen Elizabeth would abdicate the throne and the country would pledge its allegiance to King Phelps I.

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